The Sex Talk: What to Remember
Individuals with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) develop in the same way sexually as individuals that are not on the autism spectrum. Though, with it, sometimes comes the need for a different approach to learning about sexual health and fully understanding it. Despite what your understanding of sexual health is, it is important to be taught about sexual desires, physical arousal, romantic relationships, interactions and social cues. Here’s a few topics that are good places to start.
Understanding What You’re Feeling
It may be difficult for someone on the spectrum to understand their sexual feelings and desires. There are categories to help these individuals break down their sexual feelings.
Thoughts: thinking about someone a lot
Sensations: tingly feelings in their bodies
Behavior: finding ways to be around people they like or show their affection
Understanding Behavior
To envision these categories, it can be helpful to use any visual stories to discuss feelings. Practice expressing any feelings so that inappropriate actions or unhealthy behaviors are recognized and avoided. This may be something helpful to try with a friend or therapist.
Role-play interactions
Example: role-play meeting someone at a party or in a public setting and how you might talk to them
Set clear rules
Example: if someone does not respond to your message after you have tried twice, do not contact them again
Set boundaries about how to act and behave, but also understanding how someone should be treated themselves in these situations
Sexual Health
There are different categories that contribute to taking care of one’s sexual health. These categories include preventing sexually transmitted diseases, understanding consent, recognizing abuse, understanding public vs. private settings, establishing healthy relationships, and setting boundaries.
Preventing Sexually Transmitted Diseases
To prevent sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), it is critical to teach about the importance of using contraceptive devices, such as condoms. Visual aids on suitable objects can be very useful tools. Along with this, STDs should be discussed, considering the different types and signs and where to get tested.
Understanding Consent
Consent is an extremely important factor to understand. Both parties must give consent before proceeding with any sexual activity. They should be aware that it is okay to say “no” if they are uncomfortable in a situation and do not want to give consent. With awareness of consent, recognizing sexual abuse is a major factor for individuals with autism to be taught. Teaching good touch and bad touch is a good way to learn to recognize signs. But it is important to remember that people can have differing good or bad touches.
Good touch could occur with friends and family showing affection
Example: hug or handshake to greet someone
Bad touch is something that feels uncomfortable
Example: stranger asking for a hug or a kiss
Recognizing Abuse
Abuse can take shape in many different forms. Abuse can be physical, such as hitting or pushing; or can also be verbal, such as yelling or calling someone by offensive terms; or can also be social, such as forcing social interactions that make one uncomfortable. Abuse can also take other forms, such as emotional and sexual. An example of emotional abuse is making one feel guilty for being himself, while an example of sexual could be forcing one to engage in sexual behaviors. There are other areas of abuse unique to individuals on the autism spectrum. These include ignoring your sensory needs or sensitivities, telling you that your needs are not real, or someone saying that you are not normal.
Understanding Public Vs. Private Settings
It is important to understand what should occur in public versus private settings, as not understanding the distinctions can result in legal trouble. Being able to differentiate will help keep yourself and others safe. There are four components that make up public and private settings:
Private
Occurs primarily in your own home (bedroom, bathroom, etc.)
Socially acceptable examples: sex with your partner or masturbation
Semi-private
Occurs in restrooms, locker rooms, doctor’s offices
Socially acceptable examples: changing or using the bathroom
Semi-public
Occurs in shared rooms in an office or home setting
Socially acceptable examples: conversations
Public
Occurs at stores, on the street, etc.
Socially acceptable examples: holding hands or a hug or kiss
Establishing Healthy Relationships
There are four basic types of relationships: familial, friends, acquaintances, and romantic relationships.
Family are those that you have relation to, such as parents, siblings, grandparents, or cousins.
Friends are people you spend time with and have become close with over time. They are usually those that you share certain interests with.
Acquaintances include people that you have briefly met before or see on a regular basis but do not know well.
Romantic relationships are based on the grounds of consent and reciprocality in which you share a mutual emotional and physical connection with your partner. You feel attracted to your partner and have a love for them different than that of your other relationships.
It is important to remember that all of the people that are close to you in life take on an important type of relationship, and each of them matters in their own way.
Characteristics of Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships
There are three aspects of relationships: healthy, unhealthy, and abusive. Healthy relationships consist of multiple facets. Good communication exists between partners in healthy relationships. Communication can be verbal, through body language, or through writing. You feel comfortable expressing your feelings and you respect the other person for doing the same. In a healthy relationship, both you and your partner trust one another and are honest with one another. Along with this, there is mutual respect for one another, treating each other equally and making decisions together.
Unhealthy relationships are the opposite of healthy relationships. These relationships include poor communication, which can often lead to fights. There is also a lack of trust and dishonesty between the two partners. Partners in this relationship are not considered equals, with one attempting to take control over the other through verbal or physical pressuring.
Abusive relationships are unhealthy, but to an extreme. Communication in these relationships occurs often through verbal, physical, or written threats. There are blatant accusations of dishonesty and a partner can be physically, emotionally, or verbally degrading and harmful.
Boundaries
There are four different boundaries individuals should understand and keep in mind when considering personal sexual health. Physical boundaries are setting limits as to what you are and are not comfortable with regarding personal space and your body. Emotional boundaries include setting limits about your feelings, beliefs and personal responsibilities. It is also important to set communication boundaries, or decisions about where,when, how, and with whom you will communicate about relationships or issues. Sexual boundaries are also critical, as these are decisions about how you feel comfortable sexually representing yourself.